June 14, 2005

Love to Laughter

June 14, 2005 Posted by Vijay , 4 comments
"You have made many a heart flutter
I am afraid mine is another"

Thus went the opening lines of my letter, yes, my first love letter. Though being tech savvy(for once ?not really!), I had put it through the e-way of communication. I have been in love, I right now am too, coz it is an everyday thing for me. I fall in love once a day , everyday. Jokes apart, I never knew I had ever EVER write a love letter. EVER. And I will never write one ever again, unless I am on the brink of a divorce ! But, they say when you are in love all you see is her, that you look for her presence, you just wait to see her walk by, just to glance at you once, just to speak those words which sound like music to your ears. Thats what it was like. I still can't believe I actually felt that way. Life seemed empty when she wouldn't be around. Hollow would be my mind. Painful moments of wait, which are hard to explain .But then, there is hope. Always there is hope. For if there is one thing which a human being survives on, it is hope.

She would then come back, and then I would again have those feelings float throgh my heart, overpowering the little intellect that I ever had. Thats what happens in love. I would be glad that she is back. Yet again, for those glances , those words, for the sheer presence which she had.

It was so for 2 months, and more. You don't realise it is love until it is late. And then, it starts to play on your mind. You start getting those anxieties, as to what is happening to you. Why do you so deperately seek her presence, hope that she drops by to see you, just talks a few words to you. Why so ? Why do you miss it when she doesn't say a good bye ? Why do you feel sad then ? Why ? Well, thats when you know, your heart has been conquered. And then I tried to wriggle out of it. Trying to avoid contacting her, trying to prove to myself that this just cannot happen to me. But the more you run away from reality the harder it chases you down. You get more anxious, you miss her even more. And yet you dont know whether she has feelings for you at all ?

It went on for another month. I took it along my stride. Still believing, its just another of those everyday activities of me falling in love.But this was different. This just didn't seem to fade away from my heart. Her presence around me didn't help either. Three months is a long time and I somehow felt this girl was special. But does she know at all ? That I secretly admire her ? More than admire her ? How long could I have taken it ? Not any longer. I wrote the mail with those opening lines at 3 in the morning and sent it to her. And kept my fingers crossed.

There were reasons for me to write that mail. I just could not take it any longer. To miss someone so much , to love someone so much, I just am not the kinda guy for all this. I wanted to get a clearcut answer which could dispel my doubts, as to whether she liked me at all ? I needed to get some relief. I wanted to let her know how special she meant for me. Come what may I will let her know. This could only bring me a step closer or a step farther away from the friendship we had then.

I was tensed,anxious about how she would respond. I was hopeful she would reciprocate my feelings for her. That could make me feel so special. But then, I was worried, for if she did reciprocate, how would I move things forward ? This societal stigma was too sticky for me to shake off easily. I was worried. I kept thinking on how her rejection could help me kill 2 birds with one stone. One, no worries about society and its stigma, and two, no need to cultivate more feelings for her which would never have borne fruit for a future relationship. But I would still have wanted her to love me. For, is it not what every guy who secretly loves a girl wishes she would say ? That was my hope too. I was confused. But I had taken a step to resolving the conflicting thoughts I had raised in me. For this was the only option. I could not have lived in peace with the feelings for her buried in my heart. I had to let her know about it. And I had to know how she felt about it. I was happy with the step I had taken.

Next day, she called me. I was , as is my wont, as usual joking around. I asked her "How was the love letter. Was it not gr88 ? Wouldnt it have felled any girl ?"
Then after a momentary pause I asked her, "So what do you think ?" She said "It won't work out.". I started to giggle and smile,yet again , thats my style(?? in love too ??). And she said matter of factly "Don't laugh it off.". Yes, I knew it wasn't to be a laughed off thing. But , I knew it was the relief that got me to smile. But I was sad, because, she did not feel the same for me. Thats the bitter truth I realised. But I was not disappointed. I had expected a solution and I had got one.

Then I asked her why she thought it won't work out. Guess what she said ? This is what she had to say(not exact words) - "This might sound absurd. But I somehow have momish sort of feelings for you".Apparently she felt I was a son to her rather than a ... what .. lover ?? Well, thus ended the whole chapter. I didn't know how to react to it immediately. But later on I had a hearty laugh over the whole thing. MOMISH ?? The person whom I wished to marry thought of me as her son ?? To this day, I roar into laughter thinking about this. It's just so amazing.When you look at the Lighter Side Of Life, how light you feel. Look at the funny side of life, and see how much it helps you to erase any bad or sad memories that you may have had. Live Life through Joyous Moments.Cherish the moments for they are but transient.

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4 comments:

Templetiger said...

nadakkate!

Akruti said...

Hi,thanks for dropping by my blog,"http://parchhaiyan.blogspot.com/
actually i write there occassionally,my other blog is http://akruti.blogspot.com .But felt good to see someone who understands hindi and well, "sache dil se maanga hua har cheez nahi miltha,varna khone ka ghum nahi hota duniya mein:)

Vijay said...

Well said akruti :)

Aslan said...

what chaaaaaaat!! :)
man, u shud've gone straight to her n' told her all this on her face. thats the best way trust me. not that i got accepted- but at least she liked the way i did it ;)